half of my life has probably been spent in a towel after showering
I feel like people think rap has become corny lately, that the rhymes are simplistic, that the genre has gotten away from its roots as a voice for the marginalized. Most people don’t know though that rap as an art form hit an all-time low in 2003 with Chingy’s “One Call Away,” the corniest song ever recorded, including songs about corn and songs by the band Korn. No matter how bad rap gets, as long as Chingy never escapes from the 10th Dimension of Kodos wherein the Hip-Hop Brethren Court sealed him for 100 years, we have to consider every rap song to be an improvement, a valiant attempt in the genre’s continued recovery efforts from “One Call Away.”
Chingy was a member of the record label and rap collective Disturbing tha Peace, named after the misdemeanor Chingy would be charged with after performing in local venues. The label was owned by Ludacris, who himself had always teetered dangerous;y on the edge between dope and wack. Ludacris just kinda shows up whether anyone wants him to or not, never adding any unique flavor, but not really detracting from anything either. He’s the hip-hop version of cilantro.
But signing Chingy and releasing his albums as anything more than an elaborate practical joke gives Ludacris a thumbs down on his entire career, putting a black eye on both of his hits.
- Video opens with a widescreen shot of some dry leaves blowing away. The acoustic guitar beat signals that we are firmly in 2003.
- If that wasn’t enough evidence, Chingy is driving a fucking Hummer.
- Chingy pulls up to the DTP Bank. I wonder when letting rap labels own financial institutions went out of style. I want to open a savings account at Young Money Financial.
- Wait, I shit you not, the dude singing the hook is Marcus from Smart Guy.
- Can I just take a moment to say the theme from Smart Guy is so clutch?
- Chingy sings about how it was weird how him and his girlfriend met. He was cashing a check with his son and she was with her mom and Bank America. Fuck, I could’ve sworn we were at DTP Bank.
- This chick might be the only video girl in hip-hop history to wear a pantsuit.
- His girlfriend (from now on I’ll call her Pantsuit) works at the bank with her mom for some reason.
- Now, Chingy just told us he was cashing a check, but he clearly hands her a stack of $100 bills. Maybe checking cashing works differently at DTP Bank.
- He also hands her his card, which doesn’t have his name on it or any other important information, just his phone number.
- He invites her to explore the world with him and fly on his jet. I don’t know who the gatekeepers of the private jet industry are, but if Chingy has one, I feel like I deserve one too.
- The people behind Chingy in the line at the bank are getting angry. This is his first instance of disturbing the peace in this video.
- Chingy seems offended that “Mama lookin’ like all I wanted was sex.” Well, Chingy, literally a bank is the only place you can hand a strange woman a stack of cash and it not be pervy, but you took it upon yourself to make it pervy anyway. What did you expect?
- Where is Chingy’s son? What is he learning about respecting personal boundaries right now?
- Chingy “plays it smart” for their first couple of dates: candlelight dinners in the dark, walks through the park, and video games apparently. They’re playing Playstation 2. Pantsuit is swooning so hard from the pure charm and this light-skinned disaster in fully in motion.
- Marcus is in the background literally repeating everything Chingy says.
- Chingy says they “conversate about political subjects” and I don’t believe him.
- Later that night, Pantsuit calls Chingy while in the shower and says she can’t live without him. That was quick. Also, I would be worried about her, but I just remembered this is 2003, and Nokia phones will survive the apocalypse. A shower is nothing to them, nigga, it’s nothing.
- Marcus is wearing a trench coat and I have a philosophical problem with this.
- Remember when street ball was a thing?
- Even in choreographed slow motion, it’s clear that Chingy sucks at basketball.
- After the game, Chingy gives Pantsuit a kiss on the cheek and his friends call him weak. Chingy thinks they’re just jealous, never even considering the fact that, yes, Chingy is weak.
- Chingy says “I’m going home,” and Pantsuit asks, “Can I come too?” Ohhhh this is getting scandalous.
- Chingy jumps in the shower when he gets home, and when he comes out, Pantsuit is spread out on the bed in a see-through thong. Chingy sings the chorus again, and wouldn’t you?
- Marcus is singing the shit out of that hook.
- Chingy winks at the camera and I’m calling the police.
- They replay the Playstation 2 scene again because.
- They run through some more early scenes in the video and I can only assume Chingy’s life is flashing before his eyes as he has been caught in an elaborate scheme by a time traveler desperate to stop this mistake before it happens.
- OH THEY BROKE US OFF WITH A PIECE OF THE NEXT SINGLE. THIS IS SO 2003 I CAN’T STAND IT.
- The next single is Jackpot, whose chorus is “Hey, Chingy, why yo eyes so ch*nky.” Wow. You spend the entire video playing yourself up as a sensitive street baller handing strangers money and then immediately slip into another song with a racial slur in the chorus. A+ work there, Chingy.
- WiFi: connected
- Me: then fucking act like it
It’s the morning!
You made it!
How do you feel?
What’s on the self love agenda today?
Good food, good friends, and a game or two.